Monday, 31 May 2010
Sunday, 30 May 2010
non-sensical. sence.
I've never felt as alone as i do now. its weird. and I'm trying to recall the words I spoke last night that rang so untrue in his ears... perhaps I should pay attention to what I say... why is there so much static??? I thought love was all you needed, stupid beatles, they always did lie, how do you explain yellow submarine, thats why I thought! what the hell is love anyway? an emotion? but why do we as humans have the power to adore and appreciate the beautiful, oh why did I let go of sanity? why did I let go of you? I feel happy and sad at the same time, oh tears of sorrow need to fuck off. I need to cry those tears of joy I sobbed only wednesday night when I arrived home from his... Urgh stupid scientists, invent a time machine, oh whoever can fix this I offer you my soul. fix me fix me fix me. I'm losing my marbles now, oh frabjous day, callou callay! and now I am nocturnal, for my sun, he has fled, how come nothing is making any sence, yet words of pure insanity flow from my fingers, remember remember, all i remember is launching a treasured possesion and you leaving me behind, remember remember, i need to remember, I am not a liar, oh I am so forgetful, make sense make sense, thoughts running though my head, synapse to neurone straight to my fingers, why don't I remember last night, beyound the fuzzy coldness that reminds me of how you walked away, how i can remember how raw my eyes were, and all the tears wept, remember brain please, what did I say?? help me help me, oh flashbacks won't you plague me. SOS SOS maybe my brain is finally failing me, who knew who knew? oh my this is tragic, do I buy a grave stone or fight the jabberwock that is my demons. I wish I knew, I wish I remembered.
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Neutron Star Collision
There was things I forgot to put in my post yesterday and perhaps I should have taken the time to proof read my post before posting it for you to see.
the first thing was that I just liked your company. and I hope thats something I won't be without in the future, because, you're wonderful (: and I consider you to be one of my closest friends. the only one who truly understands me too.
the second was that I want you back. but I'm not prepared to act on that anymore. that instinct in me tells me to fight to the death for the relationship, but my common sence is telling me, to stop, and wait for us both to calm down, to see whats going to happen now, like my initial plan, but this time I'm willing to stick to it. The one that involves us staying in touch, talking like we've always done, meeting up occasionally, and seeing if theres really something that can come of it. even though subconciously, I know nothing will grow of this friendship now, but it indulges that fighting instinct enough. and even if nothing will grow of this friendship, we'll still have this friendship, for years to come hopefully.
even when I'm a famous film director ^^ coz I'll give you a break as an actor if you want... as a vampire... a very hot vampire.... which brings me to the biting... I AM SO GONNA MISS THAT! I loved it soo much when you bit me. it was so kinky.
and finally. for the love of god, please listen to Neutron Star Collision. for me.
(and I'm starting that other blog again if you're intrested. doubt it but yeah)
the first thing was that I just liked your company. and I hope thats something I won't be without in the future, because, you're wonderful (: and I consider you to be one of my closest friends. the only one who truly understands me too.
the second was that I want you back. but I'm not prepared to act on that anymore. that instinct in me tells me to fight to the death for the relationship, but my common sence is telling me, to stop, and wait for us both to calm down, to see whats going to happen now, like my initial plan, but this time I'm willing to stick to it. The one that involves us staying in touch, talking like we've always done, meeting up occasionally, and seeing if theres really something that can come of it. even though subconciously, I know nothing will grow of this friendship now, but it indulges that fighting instinct enough. and even if nothing will grow of this friendship, we'll still have this friendship, for years to come hopefully.
even when I'm a famous film director ^^ coz I'll give you a break as an actor if you want... as a vampire... a very hot vampire.... which brings me to the biting... I AM SO GONNA MISS THAT! I loved it soo much when you bit me. it was so kinky.
and finally. for the love of god, please listen to Neutron Star Collision. for me.
(and I'm starting that other blog again if you're intrested. doubt it but yeah)
Dear Jamie
Today I lost the only thing about my life I actually liked. That would be Jamie.
Ok perhaps, (and I know you'll read this sooner or later) we didn't have that much in common, and still don't. and what we did have in common is and was quite vague.
But perhaps I should have told you what I'm about to type below a lot sooner than now, and yes, I said "I love you" too many times, quite probably to the point where I killed all meaning of those 3 tiny words. and I was too clingy and always wanted to spend every waking moment with you.
The things I actually liked about me and you being together (some are cliches but oh well) are silly little things, like you holding my hand, and the way my fingers fitted perfectly in the gaps between yours, and I loved it when you sent me random texts that said "Good morning" and "<3" I loathed the days I couldn't see you and thoroughly enjoyed those hours we spent that flew by like seconds. I loved it when you tickled me and when you bought me that necklace. and the way you covered my eyes during a scary bit of Battle Royale was also very sweet. I liked it when we used to lie on your bed and cuddle, and you'd say "big spoon" and when I met you in town, and you kept slurping my starbucks. The truth of the matter is that truly, you're a wonderful person and a great boyfriend to have, and I'm gonna miss all this.
Ok, we didn't exactly do much together, but kiss and mess about, but thats what I loved, and now, I feel quite empty inside, because I don't have you're wonderful being to own as my own property, and frankly, you still have my heart. I'm gonna be proper jealous of any girl you date now, because you're a tough thing to let go off.
lets look at it this way, I know I'm a shit girlfriend, and I'm very lazy and very selfish, as I always wanted (and still want to be) the centre of your attention, and when I think rationally, I know thats not gonna be possible, especially now anyway. I never let you game, it always had to be "me me me" nothing else. and I'm a shit girlfriend coz I always wanted to do stuff you didn't wanna do, think wednesday for example. You said to me that you were a shit boyfriend, and I'm sorry to tell you this darling, but thats absolute bullsh*t. You're really not, another thing I really loved about being with you is the fact you listened to me, and paid attention to detail. not many guys do that. just those nerdy type gamers, like you, that I like.
If I could wish on a star, to make everything better, I really would, although I knew all along, you were too damn good for me. now all I'm left with is a broken heart and a lovely story to tell. even so, that doesn't mean I liked you sending sexts to my contacts, coz frankly, that was annoying.
For all the pain and upset I put you through tonight. words cannot actually articulate how bad I really feel. You're my whole entire world and I can't believe I managed to upset you so bad, In an ideal world, me and you would never argue, and would either be happy together for the rest of our lives, or we would have never met... if you look at things that way, perhaps the ideal world sounds like the best damn place to live. And both possibilities are much more pleasent than this painful reality me and you have to face.
I'm gonna miss having you as my boyfriend, I actually don't like the daunting prospect of being single either, but I have to battle on. even though, tbh, I still want you back and I'd happily graft my arse off trying to fix us. but the question that pops into my mind now is, "but is this fixing stuff, ultimately, going to make us happy?" and I don't think it will. and frankly now, even if you did want me back, you would have to prove it.
Kitty and Tom have just phoned me. and Tom posed an intresting question. "what would you do if he says he doesnt mean it, and he wants you back" and I told him I didn't honestly know, but you would have to find someway to prove it. and you would have to fight for me, as i have done for you, for 2 years now. break ups are hard. and they really mess me up, and I don't want go through it again, even if you did want me back.
so now we've assessed some of the more positive things about our relationship I liked, and theirs alot of negative things I liked too, like when you'd ignore (playing or not playing) and you'd walk to the other side of the room, and I'd go after you. I loved that gave me a slight thrill of the chase. That other thing we did all the time... who doesnt liek it??? seriously! and tbh, the way you stopped saying you loved me. I hated it, but I liked it as well, it made me feel like i had to make an effort to win your love, sounds cheesy but its the truth. those annoying fb updates... I pretended to be offended when I started getting told off, but I did actually like them, made me giggle. and when you'd get stuff like cake from the shop and not let me have any... I used to love play fighting you for some, i found it very fun.
however, this is where we get to the true negatives. I didn't like it when you went through my phone. I mean I have nothing to hide, but I don't want you seeing all my texts. I hate it when you call my music shit, I like it and tbh you have an opinion but you don't have to enforce it every chance you get, I'd have liked you to listen to some of my favourite songs, as I relate to them, and many of them were like how i felt about you... but you never gave them a chance and now you know very little about my true feelings for you. and right now, I really am pretending that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, coz I do need a wish right now! and I hated how you'd fall asleep on me, and sometimes go in a bit of a mood with me, but I made allowances for those coz of you diabetes... which takes me on to another thing I hate about you. You won't look after yourself. You have diabetes and that comes with risks, like going blind and loosing limbs, and I appreciate that keeping your blood sugar stable is difficult, but you don't seem to have much of a regard towards your health in that sense, and it worries me greatly, even now, no matter how much of a wank*r I think you are right now, I still care about you and I don't want you to go blind or lose limbs, tbh I don't diabetes to be your cause of death. The world needs people like you. I also hated the way you'd turn your xbox on when I started to bore you.
from what you said earlier, I now respect that your an indoorsy, quiet person, and I'm willing to accept that even as a friend to you, and when we have patched everything up, I can handle doing lazy shit with you that doesnt require going outside, and I understand you feeling socially awkward, as I feel the same way with alot of people. infact, social interaction is kept to a minimum outside my social group.
I do think our compatibility is a funny thing too, as we have about as much in common as chocolate and chili's, one of us (you) is sweet and frankly delicious. and the other (me) is fiery and spicy (in the personality sense) but when you mix chili and chocolate together, you do get quite an interesting flavour, infact Chili and Chocolate is a highly delicious combination, well when you get the balance of the 2 right, and maybe we never got the balence right, and by now, I don't think we ever will.
I've thought of all I can to write about us, if you must comment, just email me, you know the addy.
thanks for reading this.
Ashe x
ps, theres two things I'd like you to know, and they are that I was smiling non-stop as i reminisced and thought of things to say.
And 2. you and I both know, part of me refuses to walk away from something like this when its dead. at least you know I mean every word and this has come from my heart
Ok perhaps, (and I know you'll read this sooner or later) we didn't have that much in common, and still don't. and what we did have in common is and was quite vague.
But perhaps I should have told you what I'm about to type below a lot sooner than now, and yes, I said "I love you" too many times, quite probably to the point where I killed all meaning of those 3 tiny words. and I was too clingy and always wanted to spend every waking moment with you.
The things I actually liked about me and you being together (some are cliches but oh well) are silly little things, like you holding my hand, and the way my fingers fitted perfectly in the gaps between yours, and I loved it when you sent me random texts that said "Good morning" and "<3" I loathed the days I couldn't see you and thoroughly enjoyed those hours we spent that flew by like seconds. I loved it when you tickled me and when you bought me that necklace. and the way you covered my eyes during a scary bit of Battle Royale was also very sweet. I liked it when we used to lie on your bed and cuddle, and you'd say "big spoon" and when I met you in town, and you kept slurping my starbucks. The truth of the matter is that truly, you're a wonderful person and a great boyfriend to have, and I'm gonna miss all this.
Ok, we didn't exactly do much together, but kiss and mess about, but thats what I loved, and now, I feel quite empty inside, because I don't have you're wonderful being to own as my own property, and frankly, you still have my heart. I'm gonna be proper jealous of any girl you date now, because you're a tough thing to let go off.
lets look at it this way, I know I'm a shit girlfriend, and I'm very lazy and very selfish, as I always wanted (and still want to be) the centre of your attention, and when I think rationally, I know thats not gonna be possible, especially now anyway. I never let you game, it always had to be "me me me" nothing else. and I'm a shit girlfriend coz I always wanted to do stuff you didn't wanna do, think wednesday for example. You said to me that you were a shit boyfriend, and I'm sorry to tell you this darling, but thats absolute bullsh*t. You're really not, another thing I really loved about being with you is the fact you listened to me, and paid attention to detail. not many guys do that. just those nerdy type gamers, like you, that I like.
If I could wish on a star, to make everything better, I really would, although I knew all along, you were too damn good for me. now all I'm left with is a broken heart and a lovely story to tell. even so, that doesn't mean I liked you sending sexts to my contacts, coz frankly, that was annoying.
For all the pain and upset I put you through tonight. words cannot actually articulate how bad I really feel. You're my whole entire world and I can't believe I managed to upset you so bad, In an ideal world, me and you would never argue, and would either be happy together for the rest of our lives, or we would have never met... if you look at things that way, perhaps the ideal world sounds like the best damn place to live. And both possibilities are much more pleasent than this painful reality me and you have to face.
I'm gonna miss having you as my boyfriend, I actually don't like the daunting prospect of being single either, but I have to battle on. even though, tbh, I still want you back and I'd happily graft my arse off trying to fix us. but the question that pops into my mind now is, "but is this fixing stuff, ultimately, going to make us happy?" and I don't think it will. and frankly now, even if you did want me back, you would have to prove it.
Kitty and Tom have just phoned me. and Tom posed an intresting question. "what would you do if he says he doesnt mean it, and he wants you back" and I told him I didn't honestly know, but you would have to find someway to prove it. and you would have to fight for me, as i have done for you, for 2 years now. break ups are hard. and they really mess me up, and I don't want go through it again, even if you did want me back.
so now we've assessed some of the more positive things about our relationship I liked, and theirs alot of negative things I liked too, like when you'd ignore (playing or not playing) and you'd walk to the other side of the room, and I'd go after you. I loved that gave me a slight thrill of the chase. That other thing we did all the time... who doesnt liek it??? seriously! and tbh, the way you stopped saying you loved me. I hated it, but I liked it as well, it made me feel like i had to make an effort to win your love, sounds cheesy but its the truth. those annoying fb updates... I pretended to be offended when I started getting told off, but I did actually like them, made me giggle. and when you'd get stuff like cake from the shop and not let me have any... I used to love play fighting you for some, i found it very fun.
however, this is where we get to the true negatives. I didn't like it when you went through my phone. I mean I have nothing to hide, but I don't want you seeing all my texts. I hate it when you call my music shit, I like it and tbh you have an opinion but you don't have to enforce it every chance you get, I'd have liked you to listen to some of my favourite songs, as I relate to them, and many of them were like how i felt about you... but you never gave them a chance and now you know very little about my true feelings for you. and right now, I really am pretending that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, coz I do need a wish right now! and I hated how you'd fall asleep on me, and sometimes go in a bit of a mood with me, but I made allowances for those coz of you diabetes... which takes me on to another thing I hate about you. You won't look after yourself. You have diabetes and that comes with risks, like going blind and loosing limbs, and I appreciate that keeping your blood sugar stable is difficult, but you don't seem to have much of a regard towards your health in that sense, and it worries me greatly, even now, no matter how much of a wank*r I think you are right now, I still care about you and I don't want you to go blind or lose limbs, tbh I don't diabetes to be your cause of death. The world needs people like you. I also hated the way you'd turn your xbox on when I started to bore you.
from what you said earlier, I now respect that your an indoorsy, quiet person, and I'm willing to accept that even as a friend to you, and when we have patched everything up, I can handle doing lazy shit with you that doesnt require going outside, and I understand you feeling socially awkward, as I feel the same way with alot of people. infact, social interaction is kept to a minimum outside my social group.
I do think our compatibility is a funny thing too, as we have about as much in common as chocolate and chili's, one of us (you) is sweet and frankly delicious. and the other (me) is fiery and spicy (in the personality sense) but when you mix chili and chocolate together, you do get quite an interesting flavour, infact Chili and Chocolate is a highly delicious combination, well when you get the balance of the 2 right, and maybe we never got the balence right, and by now, I don't think we ever will.
I've thought of all I can to write about us, if you must comment, just email me, you know the addy.
thanks for reading this.
Ashe x
ps, theres two things I'd like you to know, and they are that I was smiling non-stop as i reminisced and thought of things to say.
And 2. you and I both know, part of me refuses to walk away from something like this when its dead. at least you know I mean every word and this has come from my heart
Thursday, 20 May 2010
Thursday, 13 May 2010
hmmm thursday.
what a day...
overslept, missed media, got a lift to college, had panic attack, missed english, ema postphoned til tuesday, at least get double money, spamming the crue on the old iPod.
yus. I hate thursdays.
Sat here in the silent study ICT room, with Tom (: while he does his posh er, cadets folder thing, and while I secretly conspire the death of a particular egotistical idiot. and think about Jamie (obviously <3)
Hopefully gonna do a 3day loan of daddy so I can go town with the beloved (:
everywhere he goes bitches always know that tom manson has got a weenie that he likes to show ;)
Damn right I do ;D
anyway followers doing my disappearing trick again (:
TheVengeanceKid
overslept, missed media, got a lift to college, had panic attack, missed english, ema postphoned til tuesday, at least get double money, spamming the crue on the old iPod.
yus. I hate thursdays.
Sat here in the silent study ICT room, with Tom (: while he does his posh er, cadets folder thing, and while I secretly conspire the death of a particular egotistical idiot. and think about Jamie (obviously <3)
Hopefully gonna do a 3day loan of daddy so I can go town with the beloved (:
everywhere he goes bitches always know that tom manson has got a weenie that he likes to show ;)
Damn right I do ;D
anyway followers doing my disappearing trick again (:
TheVengeanceKid
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