mmm new ashe

Dearest followers,

So far today I've made a major arsehole of myself. and its completely my fault. I read too much into something that meant nothing, although I was so sure it meant something, I'm always doing that, I'm too overanalytical, about everything, and I end up fucking up terribly because of it.


Weirdly for the last 2 years. Jamie has been the one thing I was certian about. I dunno why, but I'm certain he's better off without me, I've brought nothing but trouble and humiliation to him, not in a malicious way, he's lovely, and I knew it, and perhaps, unintentionally, I've taken advantage of the good nature he has towards me, I wasn't exactly the best girlfriend he's ever had.


I mean, I kissed him when he was trying to talk to his friends... I'm so ignorant like that, all I ever wanted to do was kiss him, and hug him, and perhaps I did like having sex too much. and I quickly became nagging, clingy and selfish, I wanted to spend every minute with him, and in the long run all I did was break my own heart. I'm such a shit girlfriend, and then, that friday night. I screamed abuse at him, accused him of using me, and threw the necklace he bought me at him, and then, to make me look even worse, I even made him cry.


but this shit girlfriend me, isn't even the real me, infact when I look at it, I'm kind of a loner. I love spending time at home, alone, than out and about with my friends, I don't want a job because it involves socialising, something I don't do well. and I've been single 5 days now. Today would have been the 2 month aniversary of our relationship, tomorrow, will 2 years since me and Jamie split up the first time. and I don't take break ups well at all, thats bullshit actually, I handled several perfectly well, its just the ones involving Jamie that I don't take well.  Something deep inside me told me a long time ago, that he was the one for me. and that no one else would ever get as much affection and adoration off me than him. but now I question this instinct inside me. because clearly its wrong, especially if my personality mutates every time I become his girlfriend.


Therefore I have made the decision to change slightly, change what makes me bitchy and over-analytical. this change isn't going to happen overnight. god help me this is going to take weeks if not months, and I'm not going to change what I like, what I do or how I do and say things. But I feel I need to stop being a bitch, I need time on my own to learn who I am, and to grow up. I'm not saying I'm incredibly immature, but for someone who gets the vote and can legally drink and smoke. that I should be a little more mature, and a lot less introverted. although don't expect me to be able to talk to new people... suppose thats not really a change is it.


and Jamie, no doubt you're reading this and thinking "oh she's still trying" cos frankly I'm not. You won't fight for me, cos you know longer want me as a girlfriend. so, as much as I do want you. I accept its over, dead and buried between me and you. the relationship failed coz I'm a difficult and flawed person. and I'm not trying to win you back, tbh the desired outcome of this change isn't you. its a better me. 

and I know my personality as a mate, draws you in and makes you like me, and I'm keeping it, coz its the real me, but these flaws need fixing, and I need to find a way to stop looking as if I'm messing with your head. this isn't an act. this is me. if this is the me that makes you happy, then I don't want to be your girlfriend, I wanna be your mate, and make you happy that way.


Since hitting my teens and probably alot sooner than that, I've pushed my family to the point relationships with almost every member are strained, and I need to work hard on fixing these relationships, or I'm gonna end up with no one. and I think it needs to start with my mum. she bought me a jack skellington stressball today, and I stress most on her, and she understands whats wrong with me better than anyone. she understands my illness. and has helped me through it as best as she can, and all I do is repay her with me bitching and sniping at her. Then its got to be my siblings, as they hate me for how I treat them, our home, and our mum. and I've got to patch things up with my dad. 


I only really turn into "Birdzilla" because I always feel so insecure. It wasn't just with you, its with every guy I've been sort of with, and I think I know where its come from, and I think I can fix it, but its going to take a very long time, I've always had an irrational phobia that my dad would abandon me, just like my biological father, Alistair did, and I suppose part of that irrational phobia transcends on to a male, that in my eyes is just as important as my dad, and that would have been you, and I started being so clingy and touchy feely coz I was petrified you'd leave me, and with advice from my friends on top, which I was tbh, following naively, and it was naive of me to think you'd leave me if I stayed myself. because as I only found out the other day, you like my personality, and you probably wouldn't have gone anywhere if I'd have just been me. but needless to say, this tackling my insecurities, isn't about winning you back, cos I don't want to win you back, I'd actually like for you to come back on your own back, and say "Ashe, I want you back", but in reality, that won't happen, but I know tackling this issue might help me not become "Birdzilla" and get me that guy you seem to positive will be better suited to me. I frankly don't believe you, but the necklace you bought me that hangs round my neck so gracefully, is still pointing to yes. and the pink glasses are back on... :)


as always, love to the reader.
Ashe x