Where did mondays come from? who invented them? and why are they so unbearable? Three questions out of a million I find myself asking. another question I find myself unable to answer is "why did I stay up til 3am today?"
Ahh 3am. an unholy hour I've been seeing quite a lot of lately, and tbh. I don't even talk to anyone on msn, or do much on facebook, all I've been doing is thinking. like its a new thing I find myself able to do... all I do is think, about my former relationship, and if its fixable, despite knowing I should be over this by now, and I'm really not, and I think about where I'm going in life, where I want to be, who I want to be. And not one bit of it makes any sence to me.
although I'll admit, Jamie did one thing right, he brought me back from indie, and helped me see the light and return to being a dirty little mosher :D which I'm pretty happy about. I can't even listen to Kings of Leon anymore without cringing and thinking "what the fuck was I thinking??"
yet every night, just before I fall asleep I still listen to Bed Of Roses, close my eyes and pretend, to a time when all was good, and I was Jamie's, and I remember the things we did, and the things we said, and I'll smile even with the tears streaming down my face... stupid I guess. I know its over, and I can accept it. but damn did I let a good one go haha.
anyway. those days are long over, and as much as I hope and pray. they're never coming back. :'( at least I doubt it, and I'm left here, in the college ict room, typing up my thoughts, and left with a shit load of amazing memories I swear I'll never forget, and what feels like an everlasting sorrow.
Ashe
Monday, 14 June 2010
Sunday, 13 June 2010
Chalk and cheese. The relationship ideal?
Sitting in the back seat of a blue vauxhall corsa. watching my two best friends on the whole damn planet, thinking of each other their personalities and observing love. absolute and genuine love. It finally clicked. They are like Chalk and Cheese. Shes a scene kid. he's -sorry Tom- a mosher in the guise of a scene, and their personalities are absolute contrasts too. but that's what brings them closer. despite their contrasts, my two best friends fit together so perfectly. Just like myself and a former love.
and the reason I'm writing this? because I know you read this, Jamie. and I know you think I'm trying to get you back again. and to be fucking honest. I'm not. I just want you to realise that we are different, but we're still a little similar (music, Phish Food icecream... food, humour) but those differences were what helped us work... what made our relationship intresting. and I'd happily take an intrest in stuff you like :)
also what my friend wanted to post on the big board was.
and she only didn't coz I pleaded with her not to. but consider that.
and the reason I'm writing this? because I know you read this, Jamie. and I know you think I'm trying to get you back again. and to be fucking honest. I'm not. I just want you to realise that we are different, but we're still a little similar (music, Phish Food icecream... food, humour) but those differences were what helped us work... what made our relationship intresting. and I'd happily take an intrest in stuff you like :)
also what my friend wanted to post on the big board was.
Jamie Ramscar, Ashleigh Lancaster loves you so much and never stops talking about you, its clear you were lucky to find someone like her, will you take her back?
and she only didn't coz I pleaded with her not to. but consider that.
Monday, 7 June 2010
My Ex-boyfriend. a non sparkling, equally stubborn Edward Cullen (oh and he's not a vampire)
hey followers,
Upon reading the first book of Breaking Dawn, by Stephenie Meyer, more specifically this one because between reading Eclipse and beginning Breaking Dawn, I was actually with a wonderful guy, times change though and its back to the vampire stories... :D
I noticed sides of Edward are almost identical to Jamie. (sorry but its true) such as his argumentative side, I only noticed this when Bella and Edward were having an scrabble that was much the same as one we'd had many times and it struck me as odd, that Edward should say what you always said in that situation, and Bella (as much as I slate her as a character) said much the same I do.
now this is where we hit a problem. you are not a vampire. and I do not have blood that is so delicious smelling it drives you insane. so where as Bella and Edward get a eternal and happy life together, with their adorable little offspring Reneesme, who later marries Jacob Black... we don't... infact quite the opposite... no life together haha.
so if you look at it that way. The twilight saga is infact. Bullshit. Bella and Edwards relationship was built on weaker foundations that ours... then I remembered. Edward as a complete character, is a douche. and Bella... is a fangbanger... and a nympho (go figure, she gets preggo the first time she shags a vampire) and that leads questions as to how as Edward doesn't have a pulse so he can't get a ... you know what I mean... and how the hell does an essentially dead body produce sperm?? and further more... Edward comes across as a testosterone fueled arsehole... when again an essentially dead body cannot produce anything.
maybe thats why Bella and Edward live together forever... coz they ain't real. and forgive me twihards... but it could be argued that Edward (The gentlemen?? lmao) only lusts for Bella's blood like a guy would lust for a hot female body... so yeah, he's controlled by his penis....
and maybe just maybe. The Edward Cullen Argumentative streak is a think all teenage guys have... and if thats the case Mistah J... don't lose it.
and please please don't become a vampire, I like you as a finite being, with a squidy body, and little muscle definition... with your immense gaming fingers... that do so much more than game ;) lol and I'm sorry I compared you to Cullen, but you're the only guy I've been so close to... and know better than any other male :P
right off to argue on fb, have a quick game., coffee, then its off to college for my RS exam...
and to top that all off, i still pulled an allnighter. I'm gonna fail :D
-Dash x
Upon reading the first book of Breaking Dawn, by Stephenie Meyer, more specifically this one because between reading Eclipse and beginning Breaking Dawn, I was actually with a wonderful guy, times change though and its back to the vampire stories... :D
I noticed sides of Edward are almost identical to Jamie. (sorry but its true) such as his argumentative side, I only noticed this when Bella and Edward were having an scrabble that was much the same as one we'd had many times and it struck me as odd, that Edward should say what you always said in that situation, and Bella (as much as I slate her as a character) said much the same I do.
now this is where we hit a problem. you are not a vampire. and I do not have blood that is so delicious smelling it drives you insane. so where as Bella and Edward get a eternal and happy life together, with their adorable little offspring Reneesme, who later marries Jacob Black... we don't... infact quite the opposite... no life together haha.
so if you look at it that way. The twilight saga is infact. Bullshit. Bella and Edwards relationship was built on weaker foundations that ours... then I remembered. Edward as a complete character, is a douche. and Bella... is a fangbanger... and a nympho (go figure, she gets preggo the first time she shags a vampire) and that leads questions as to how as Edward doesn't have a pulse so he can't get a ... you know what I mean... and how the hell does an essentially dead body produce sperm?? and further more... Edward comes across as a testosterone fueled arsehole... when again an essentially dead body cannot produce anything.
maybe thats why Bella and Edward live together forever... coz they ain't real. and forgive me twihards... but it could be argued that Edward (The gentlemen?? lmao) only lusts for Bella's blood like a guy would lust for a hot female body... so yeah, he's controlled by his penis....
and maybe just maybe. The Edward Cullen Argumentative streak is a think all teenage guys have... and if thats the case Mistah J... don't lose it.
and please please don't become a vampire, I like you as a finite being, with a squidy body, and little muscle definition... with your immense gaming fingers... that do so much more than game ;) lol and I'm sorry I compared you to Cullen, but you're the only guy I've been so close to... and know better than any other male :P
right off to argue on fb, have a quick game., coffee, then its off to college for my RS exam...
and to top that all off, i still pulled an allnighter. I'm gonna fail :D
-Dash x
Thursday, 3 June 2010
mmm new ashe
Dearest followers,
So far today I've made a major arsehole of myself. and its completely my fault. I read too much into something that meant nothing, although I was so sure it meant something, I'm always doing that, I'm too overanalytical, about everything, and I end up fucking up terribly because of it.
Weirdly for the last 2 years. Jamie has been the one thing I was certian about. I dunno why, but I'm certain he's better off without me, I've brought nothing but trouble and humiliation to him, not in a malicious way, he's lovely, and I knew it, and perhaps, unintentionally, I've taken advantage of the good nature he has towards me, I wasn't exactly the best girlfriend he's ever had.
I mean, I kissed him when he was trying to talk to his friends... I'm so ignorant like that, all I ever wanted to do was kiss him, and hug him, and perhaps I did like having sex too much. and I quickly became nagging, clingy and selfish, I wanted to spend every minute with him, and in the long run all I did was break my own heart. I'm such a shit girlfriend, and then, that friday night. I screamed abuse at him, accused him of using me, and threw the necklace he bought me at him, and then, to make me look even worse, I even made him cry.
but this shit girlfriend me, isn't even the real me, infact when I look at it, I'm kind of a loner. I love spending time at home, alone, than out and about with my friends, I don't want a job because it involves socialising, something I don't do well. and I've been single 5 days now. Today would have been the 2 month aniversary of our relationship, tomorrow, will 2 years since me and Jamie split up the first time. and I don't take break ups well at all, thats bullshit actually, I handled several perfectly well, its just the ones involving Jamie that I don't take well. Something deep inside me told me a long time ago, that he was the one for me. and that no one else would ever get as much affection and adoration off me than him. but now I question this instinct inside me. because clearly its wrong, especially if my personality mutates every time I become his girlfriend.
Therefore I have made the decision to change slightly, change what makes me bitchy and over-analytical. this change isn't going to happen overnight. god help me this is going to take weeks if not months, and I'm not going to change what I like, what I do or how I do and say things. But I feel I need to stop being a bitch, I need time on my own to learn who I am, and to grow up. I'm not saying I'm incredibly immature, but for someone who gets the vote and can legally drink and smoke. that I should be a little more mature, and a lot less introverted. although don't expect me to be able to talk to new people... suppose thats not really a change is it.
and Jamie, no doubt you're reading this and thinking "oh she's still trying" cos frankly I'm not. You won't fight for me, cos you know longer want me as a girlfriend. so, as much as I do want you. I accept its over, dead and buried between me and you. the relationship failed coz I'm a difficult and flawed person. and I'm not trying to win you back, tbh the desired outcome of this change isn't you. its a better me.
and I know my personality as a mate, draws you in and makes you like me, and I'm keeping it, coz its the real me, but these flaws need fixing, and I need to find a way to stop looking as if I'm messing with your head. this isn't an act. this is me. if this is the me that makes you happy, then I don't want to be your girlfriend, I wanna be your mate, and make you happy that way.
Since hitting my teens and probably alot sooner than that, I've pushed my family to the point relationships with almost every member are strained, and I need to work hard on fixing these relationships, or I'm gonna end up with no one. and I think it needs to start with my mum. she bought me a jack skellington stressball today, and I stress most on her, and she understands whats wrong with me better than anyone. she understands my illness. and has helped me through it as best as she can, and all I do is repay her with me bitching and sniping at her. Then its got to be my siblings, as they hate me for how I treat them, our home, and our mum. and I've got to patch things up with my dad.
I only really turn into "Birdzilla" because I always feel so insecure. It wasn't just with you, its with every guy I've been sort of with, and I think I know where its come from, and I think I can fix it, but its going to take a very long time, I've always had an irrational phobia that my dad would abandon me, just like my biological father, Alistair did, and I suppose part of that irrational phobia transcends on to a male, that in my eyes is just as important as my dad, and that would have been you, and I started being so clingy and touchy feely coz I was petrified you'd leave me, and with advice from my friends on top, which I was tbh, following naively, and it was naive of me to think you'd leave me if I stayed myself. because as I only found out the other day, you like my personality, and you probably wouldn't have gone anywhere if I'd have just been me. but needless to say, this tackling my insecurities, isn't about winning you back, cos I don't want to win you back, I'd actually like for you to come back on your own back, and say "Ashe, I want you back", but in reality, that won't happen, but I know tackling this issue might help me not become "Birdzilla" and get me that guy you seem to positive will be better suited to me. I frankly don't believe you, but the necklace you bought me that hangs round my neck so gracefully, is still pointing to yes. and the pink glasses are back on... :)
as always, love to the reader.
Ashe x
So far today I've made a major arsehole of myself. and its completely my fault. I read too much into something that meant nothing, although I was so sure it meant something, I'm always doing that, I'm too overanalytical, about everything, and I end up fucking up terribly because of it.
Weirdly for the last 2 years. Jamie has been the one thing I was certian about. I dunno why, but I'm certain he's better off without me, I've brought nothing but trouble and humiliation to him, not in a malicious way, he's lovely, and I knew it, and perhaps, unintentionally, I've taken advantage of the good nature he has towards me, I wasn't exactly the best girlfriend he's ever had.
I mean, I kissed him when he was trying to talk to his friends... I'm so ignorant like that, all I ever wanted to do was kiss him, and hug him, and perhaps I did like having sex too much. and I quickly became nagging, clingy and selfish, I wanted to spend every minute with him, and in the long run all I did was break my own heart. I'm such a shit girlfriend, and then, that friday night. I screamed abuse at him, accused him of using me, and threw the necklace he bought me at him, and then, to make me look even worse, I even made him cry.
but this shit girlfriend me, isn't even the real me, infact when I look at it, I'm kind of a loner. I love spending time at home, alone, than out and about with my friends, I don't want a job because it involves socialising, something I don't do well. and I've been single 5 days now. Today would have been the 2 month aniversary of our relationship, tomorrow, will 2 years since me and Jamie split up the first time. and I don't take break ups well at all, thats bullshit actually, I handled several perfectly well, its just the ones involving Jamie that I don't take well. Something deep inside me told me a long time ago, that he was the one for me. and that no one else would ever get as much affection and adoration off me than him. but now I question this instinct inside me. because clearly its wrong, especially if my personality mutates every time I become his girlfriend.
Therefore I have made the decision to change slightly, change what makes me bitchy and over-analytical. this change isn't going to happen overnight. god help me this is going to take weeks if not months, and I'm not going to change what I like, what I do or how I do and say things. But I feel I need to stop being a bitch, I need time on my own to learn who I am, and to grow up. I'm not saying I'm incredibly immature, but for someone who gets the vote and can legally drink and smoke. that I should be a little more mature, and a lot less introverted. although don't expect me to be able to talk to new people... suppose thats not really a change is it.
and Jamie, no doubt you're reading this and thinking "oh she's still trying" cos frankly I'm not. You won't fight for me, cos you know longer want me as a girlfriend. so, as much as I do want you. I accept its over, dead and buried between me and you. the relationship failed coz I'm a difficult and flawed person. and I'm not trying to win you back, tbh the desired outcome of this change isn't you. its a better me.
and I know my personality as a mate, draws you in and makes you like me, and I'm keeping it, coz its the real me, but these flaws need fixing, and I need to find a way to stop looking as if I'm messing with your head. this isn't an act. this is me. if this is the me that makes you happy, then I don't want to be your girlfriend, I wanna be your mate, and make you happy that way.
Since hitting my teens and probably alot sooner than that, I've pushed my family to the point relationships with almost every member are strained, and I need to work hard on fixing these relationships, or I'm gonna end up with no one. and I think it needs to start with my mum. she bought me a jack skellington stressball today, and I stress most on her, and she understands whats wrong with me better than anyone. she understands my illness. and has helped me through it as best as she can, and all I do is repay her with me bitching and sniping at her. Then its got to be my siblings, as they hate me for how I treat them, our home, and our mum. and I've got to patch things up with my dad.
I only really turn into "Birdzilla" because I always feel so insecure. It wasn't just with you, its with every guy I've been sort of with, and I think I know where its come from, and I think I can fix it, but its going to take a very long time, I've always had an irrational phobia that my dad would abandon me, just like my biological father, Alistair did, and I suppose part of that irrational phobia transcends on to a male, that in my eyes is just as important as my dad, and that would have been you, and I started being so clingy and touchy feely coz I was petrified you'd leave me, and with advice from my friends on top, which I was tbh, following naively, and it was naive of me to think you'd leave me if I stayed myself. because as I only found out the other day, you like my personality, and you probably wouldn't have gone anywhere if I'd have just been me. but needless to say, this tackling my insecurities, isn't about winning you back, cos I don't want to win you back, I'd actually like for you to come back on your own back, and say "Ashe, I want you back", but in reality, that won't happen, but I know tackling this issue might help me not become "Birdzilla" and get me that guy you seem to positive will be better suited to me. I frankly don't believe you, but the necklace you bought me that hangs round my neck so gracefully, is still pointing to yes. and the pink glasses are back on... :)
as always, love to the reader.
Ashe x
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
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